I was officially the alumni for AIESEC in Penang for one and half month. The question that I always had right after making the decision of ending my term to serve for APEN is that "What actually let you made up your mind for this decision?"
I came across this article just now.
「生命中的苦難使我們更堅強。」今天要用心理學來狠狠打臉這句話
And it stroke me somehow, and I feel like writing it out.
For almost 20 years, I always believe in this quote: "We became stronger after we overcome our fear and failure." And one of my biggest vision of life is to be a strong person as soon as I realized that underprivillege minority always do not have the equal rights as strong person.
So what is the definition of being strong? Everyone define it in different way. Me either.
I didn't know my definition of being strong for a very long time. What I knew was that I only encourage myself that being strong are being not giving up on the things that hurt me; being strong is always do not put hope on others whenever I'm in trouble which I should depends on my own; being strong is do not show the weak part in front of people especially friends that are not that close to you.
And I do not like team work. Seriously, I do not like it. I am definitely not the freeloader, but it's so difficult to balance between being dominent, being supportive or being contributing to the team. It feels like begging people to do their job in our suggested and expected way, no matter they do it willingly or unwillingly. Unless I get a very same frequency teammates like my current coursemates.
I realized this weakness, I see it as a flaw of mine. Eventually, I tried to persuade myself to involve in more society activity to improve on this matter. And I tried this and that, and stayed in AIESEC for the longest time in my Uni life so far.
So for 1 years and 4 months in this organization, it taught me a lot in working with different type of people in different environment with different approach. I wasn't enjoying that in spite of I learnt a lot through this working life. And it taught me something else which more than my expectation.
I was running for higher position in this organization. To me, I always want to go higher, inside or outside of AIESEC context. Ever since I was in primary school, I always aimed to achieve and go for higher position. Is it because of the title itself? It might be? But basically, it was because of my thinking of being strong is to always challenge something you fear of.
Yes, I am fear of responsibilities. And I hate it. I hate all the responsibilities and expectations that people and society gave to me. Too much. It feels like drowning.
Too much expectations since I was young. Being a polite girl who can pleased everyone; being a good granddaughter by being considering and behave well; being a good daughter to not let parents down; being a good classmate which is good to work with; being a good student who always response actively in class; being good in this and that. Sometimes I just feel like can I do nothing but lying in my bed. So many people to entertain. Am I live to entertain and please everyone around me?
So since at young age, I always look for the opportunities to hold for certain important positions, to challenge my fear of taking up responsibilities. And people don't know about it. They thought I was very good in handling all these responsibilities. Well, I guess I manage to cover my weakness in front of others' eyes. It somehow shows that this is the way I always live my life. I tried my best to covered up the things I fear of, the things that I'm not good at.
So how do I measure my success everytime in taking up responsibilities? People expectation. I hate it actually, because it might marks my challenge as a failure. However this is the way I measure my challenge: praises and blames from others on the things that I had done. There was no positive feedbacks and negative feedbacks in my 20 years of my life. To me, they are success and failure. There is nothing in between. So one word from others could bring me to hell if it was seen as a failure to me.
Out of topic.
Upon realizing there were something misaligned with the expected life that I wanted to live in future, I went into a deep consideration. I started to question:"So why are we constantly asking people to leap out from their comfort zone?"
I found that for the past one year, I constantly push myself to the limits of mine for being so sociable and reliable all the time, which I didn't enjoy my role at all. I see it as learning, but the learning was not fun. It indeed taught me a lot of lesson, but what are the points for doing it in the sense of draining my energy and confident towards myself. And it comes to the point where I only think of "Let's finish this challenge peacefully and quickly. Then let's move on." No improvement, no initiative to done things to achieve best outcomes. And no enjoyment.
Cause all these things had became burdens and stones that I look as the essential things that contribute to my life vision - become stronger.
Then I started to ponder for another question to myself:"Why are you doing all these things when you're not enjoying?"
- To contribute to the society and self development. It sounds so fluffy, I don't know why. It seems like a textbook answer whenever people asked their purpose for staying in AIESEC.
So I continue to question myself:"How can you do all these things that you mentioned just now, when you are not discipline enough to live a balance healthly lifestyle, which you always looking for before you enter university?"
- Well, it requires my time management skills. Others can make it. Unfortunately, my time management and self control conciousness are not good. I was thinking: maybe if I squeeze in more resposibilities, than eventually I can trained myself to manage the time well.
But obviously, I failed to do that. And everything goes wrong. When you started to panic what should you do at this moment, where you couldn't find your balance among your priorities.
So Ah-ha moment pops out one day when I was staring at my laptop in blank, thinking of which work should I done first: assignments or those emails?
I have 24 hours just like everyone. Others can make it, I can't. Where is the problem?
- The ability.
Some people able to fully focus on the things that they have; some are able to multitask.
And I wasn't like them. I work in random pace, it will be fast for the things I'm truly passion in, it will be slow as well for the things that I'm truly passion in. Because you do not want to have any flaws in the work which you are very passionate in.
So if I wasn't able to junggle between all these daily routine, should I eliminate some?
While I was consulting with others, some people agree while some not.
They said "Just do what you think it's important to you which will affect your future."
They said "Abonding things like this is an coward act. You should learn to manage your time, not by abonding away your responsibilities or roles."
And actually, most of these voices came from my inner self. People around me actually didn't give much opinions, they said "Depends on you."
So I thought of it was the time to stop taking up all those responsibilities which I hated so much, just to prove that I'm good in certain things. I do not need all that to ensure my success of my life. Being strong in this way is a big wrong for me. And I finally realize this.
If I were to say that things are able to change over one night, I must be dreaming in wonderland. I hope so.
Things don't change that easily. I'm still on the way learning to balance my current life.
Taking up extra responsibilities might make you learn, if you are able to improve upon all the negative feedbacks that you got whenever you did things below others expectation.
But taking up responsibilities merely serve as a challenge, I doubt that it contributes to my future.
It taught me how to change my behaviours to meet others expectations in order to pass my 'challenges' all these time.
I started to wonder why should I change my behaviours which I'm so comfortable with it?
I doesn't like the expectations of telling me what's right what's wrong. Everyone is having their own definition for that. It's not a grammar lesson which you taught all the grammar rules that you should and shouldn't do. As long as I didn't do something that oppose my principle and the laws. Why should I change to become someone who is strong and capable and trustworthy which having the different defination of the strong version of mine.
Well, I did miss those people who I worked with before. But not those conflicts and stupid arguments that we had. I seriously hate all those things which I see it as big failures of having it in every relationship that I own. And it made me realize what are the things I tresured the most all these time.
But the most important thing is that we live a better live which we expected it to be after struggling along the way when we learn.
People asked often about "So what did you do? You're only in your second year of uni life."
Of course, I wasn't doing nothing in my room all the time. I still juggle between my working life, school life and family duty nowadays even after AIESEC. It was the matter of being in different environment seeking for learning and valuable things which I could get out through all these effort that I invest in different opportunities.
It doesn't mean that we could only learn through involving in activities in our university. There are lots of different ways to be.
P.S AIESEC is just a platform which made me realize so much and turn me into who am I today. I see it as a learning path which I had took and I did really learnt a lot from it. All the experiences in this organization will be differ from one and another. So please do not compare yours/the AIESECers that you knew with me. It was a life-changing experience to me, in a good way, which made me realize what are those things I dislike or I'm weak in.
And sorry for my grammar mistakes. I'm going to edit those minor errors in other days. Squeezing brain juice and emotions to write this was so tiring. Anyway, you might found something that you didn't know or I might didn't tell you all the time while we worked together. It wasn't because the issue of vulnarability, it was because I do not feel it is a need to talk about all these while talking it doesn't solve anything. Just like it doesn't change anything when I wrote this in blog. The point is just to review how I feel all this time, confronting my real thoughts through writing all this, and kept this for review in the future.
I came across this article just now.
「生命中的苦難使我們更堅強。」今天要用心理學來狠狠打臉這句話
And it stroke me somehow, and I feel like writing it out.
For almost 20 years, I always believe in this quote: "We became stronger after we overcome our fear and failure." And one of my biggest vision of life is to be a strong person as soon as I realized that underprivillege minority always do not have the equal rights as strong person.
So what is the definition of being strong? Everyone define it in different way. Me either.
I didn't know my definition of being strong for a very long time. What I knew was that I only encourage myself that being strong are being not giving up on the things that hurt me; being strong is always do not put hope on others whenever I'm in trouble which I should depends on my own; being strong is do not show the weak part in front of people especially friends that are not that close to you.
And I do not like team work. Seriously, I do not like it. I am definitely not the freeloader, but it's so difficult to balance between being dominent, being supportive or being contributing to the team. It feels like begging people to do their job in our suggested and expected way, no matter they do it willingly or unwillingly. Unless I get a very same frequency teammates like my current coursemates.
I realized this weakness, I see it as a flaw of mine. Eventually, I tried to persuade myself to involve in more society activity to improve on this matter. And I tried this and that, and stayed in AIESEC for the longest time in my Uni life so far.
So for 1 years and 4 months in this organization, it taught me a lot in working with different type of people in different environment with different approach. I wasn't enjoying that in spite of I learnt a lot through this working life. And it taught me something else which more than my expectation.
I was running for higher position in this organization. To me, I always want to go higher, inside or outside of AIESEC context. Ever since I was in primary school, I always aimed to achieve and go for higher position. Is it because of the title itself? It might be? But basically, it was because of my thinking of being strong is to always challenge something you fear of.
Yes, I am fear of responsibilities. And I hate it. I hate all the responsibilities and expectations that people and society gave to me. Too much. It feels like drowning.
Too much expectations since I was young. Being a polite girl who can pleased everyone; being a good granddaughter by being considering and behave well; being a good daughter to not let parents down; being a good classmate which is good to work with; being a good student who always response actively in class; being good in this and that. Sometimes I just feel like can I do nothing but lying in my bed. So many people to entertain. Am I live to entertain and please everyone around me?
So since at young age, I always look for the opportunities to hold for certain important positions, to challenge my fear of taking up responsibilities. And people don't know about it. They thought I was very good in handling all these responsibilities. Well, I guess I manage to cover my weakness in front of others' eyes. It somehow shows that this is the way I always live my life. I tried my best to covered up the things I fear of, the things that I'm not good at.
So how do I measure my success everytime in taking up responsibilities? People expectation. I hate it actually, because it might marks my challenge as a failure. However this is the way I measure my challenge: praises and blames from others on the things that I had done. There was no positive feedbacks and negative feedbacks in my 20 years of my life. To me, they are success and failure. There is nothing in between. So one word from others could bring me to hell if it was seen as a failure to me.
Out of topic.
Upon realizing there were something misaligned with the expected life that I wanted to live in future, I went into a deep consideration. I started to question:"So why are we constantly asking people to leap out from their comfort zone?"
I found that for the past one year, I constantly push myself to the limits of mine for being so sociable and reliable all the time, which I didn't enjoy my role at all. I see it as learning, but the learning was not fun. It indeed taught me a lot of lesson, but what are the points for doing it in the sense of draining my energy and confident towards myself. And it comes to the point where I only think of "Let's finish this challenge peacefully and quickly. Then let's move on." No improvement, no initiative to done things to achieve best outcomes. And no enjoyment.
Cause all these things had became burdens and stones that I look as the essential things that contribute to my life vision - become stronger.
Then I started to ponder for another question to myself:"Why are you doing all these things when you're not enjoying?"
- To contribute to the society and self development. It sounds so fluffy, I don't know why. It seems like a textbook answer whenever people asked their purpose for staying in AIESEC.
So I continue to question myself:"How can you do all these things that you mentioned just now, when you are not discipline enough to live a balance healthly lifestyle, which you always looking for before you enter university?"
- Well, it requires my time management skills. Others can make it. Unfortunately, my time management and self control conciousness are not good. I was thinking: maybe if I squeeze in more resposibilities, than eventually I can trained myself to manage the time well.
But obviously, I failed to do that. And everything goes wrong. When you started to panic what should you do at this moment, where you couldn't find your balance among your priorities.
So Ah-ha moment pops out one day when I was staring at my laptop in blank, thinking of which work should I done first: assignments or those emails?
I have 24 hours just like everyone. Others can make it, I can't. Where is the problem?
- The ability.
Some people able to fully focus on the things that they have; some are able to multitask.
And I wasn't like them. I work in random pace, it will be fast for the things I'm truly passion in, it will be slow as well for the things that I'm truly passion in. Because you do not want to have any flaws in the work which you are very passionate in.
So if I wasn't able to junggle between all these daily routine, should I eliminate some?
While I was consulting with others, some people agree while some not.
They said "Just do what you think it's important to you which will affect your future."
They said "Abonding things like this is an coward act. You should learn to manage your time, not by abonding away your responsibilities or roles."
And actually, most of these voices came from my inner self. People around me actually didn't give much opinions, they said "Depends on you."
So I thought of it was the time to stop taking up all those responsibilities which I hated so much, just to prove that I'm good in certain things. I do not need all that to ensure my success of my life. Being strong in this way is a big wrong for me. And I finally realize this.
If I were to say that things are able to change over one night, I must be dreaming in wonderland. I hope so.
Things don't change that easily. I'm still on the way learning to balance my current life.
Taking up extra responsibilities might make you learn, if you are able to improve upon all the negative feedbacks that you got whenever you did things below others expectation.
But taking up responsibilities merely serve as a challenge, I doubt that it contributes to my future.
It taught me how to change my behaviours to meet others expectations in order to pass my 'challenges' all these time.
I started to wonder why should I change my behaviours which I'm so comfortable with it?
I doesn't like the expectations of telling me what's right what's wrong. Everyone is having their own definition for that. It's not a grammar lesson which you taught all the grammar rules that you should and shouldn't do. As long as I didn't do something that oppose my principle and the laws. Why should I change to become someone who is strong and capable and trustworthy which having the different defination of the strong version of mine.
Well, I did miss those people who I worked with before. But not those conflicts and stupid arguments that we had. I seriously hate all those things which I see it as big failures of having it in every relationship that I own. And it made me realize what are the things I tresured the most all these time.
But the most important thing is that we live a better live which we expected it to be after struggling along the way when we learn.
People asked often about "So what did you do? You're only in your second year of uni life."
Of course, I wasn't doing nothing in my room all the time. I still juggle between my working life, school life and family duty nowadays even after AIESEC. It was the matter of being in different environment seeking for learning and valuable things which I could get out through all these effort that I invest in different opportunities.
It doesn't mean that we could only learn through involving in activities in our university. There are lots of different ways to be.
P.S AIESEC is just a platform which made me realize so much and turn me into who am I today. I see it as a learning path which I had took and I did really learnt a lot from it. All the experiences in this organization will be differ from one and another. So please do not compare yours/the AIESECers that you knew with me. It was a life-changing experience to me, in a good way, which made me realize what are those things I dislike or I'm weak in.
And sorry for my grammar mistakes. I'm going to edit those minor errors in other days. Squeezing brain juice and emotions to write this was so tiring. Anyway, you might found something that you didn't know or I might didn't tell you all the time while we worked together. It wasn't because the issue of vulnarability, it was because I do not feel it is a need to talk about all these while talking it doesn't solve anything. Just like it doesn't change anything when I wrote this in blog. The point is just to review how I feel all this time, confronting my real thoughts through writing all this, and kept this for review in the future.
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